guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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