saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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