i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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