the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
