take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
