woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
