So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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