he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize