Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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