I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
