I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize