yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
