You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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