Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
