You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
