first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize