I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
