So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
