you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
