I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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