We won't sleep together?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
