so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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