I think my fart just growled at me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
