You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
