only if we run a train.
done.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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