Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i would one night stand the shit outta him
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
