Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
