saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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