Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
