She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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