After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
