if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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