i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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