they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
