just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
