We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
