He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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