he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
