Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
