He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize