True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
