He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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