i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
