If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
