My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
