he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
