There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
