i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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