At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
