Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
