I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
