I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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