Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
