My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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