I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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