My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
