So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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