I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
