I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
