At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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