I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
