My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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