Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
